Fantasy Football HATES you

From Thursday to Monday nights starting in September, most husbands, boyfriends, sons, and for you nerds out there, World of Warcraft; become zombies to the rest of the world. Football in all its glory returns and even more important, Fantasy Football, begins.

To be fair, there are some girls that play too, and for some of those unlucky leagues out there, they win. This is a hobby that creates billions in revenue each year across the world, and also loses billions I’m sure. If I put even HALF of the effort into my normal job as I did in fantasy football, well, I don’t want to even think about it. If I played fantasy football during college, I would STILL be in college. You get my point.

The unfair part of it is how much time and effort you have to put in to even try to win your league. I spent an hour on twitter this weekend trying to decide what Tight End to play and by Sunday afternoon, they were both out anyways. It sucks! I mean, who has three TE on their team? You can prepare all you want, get all the best info from the most knowledgable guys and it still comes down to what happens on the field. Peyton Manning and Tom Brady might be the best QB’s in the league, but even they suck sometimes.

Wanna know how nuts it is? When Aaron Hernandez was arrested, I GUARANTEE YOU, thousands of people were choked because NOW they have to find a new TE. He MURDERED 2, possibly 3 people, and Terrific Tom’s Touchdowns is scouring the league to see who will be available at the draft. The same reaction had to have happened when Mike Vick went to jail for his role in a dog fighting ring. How…..am I going to replace a QB like that? They’re just dogs right? Man I hope Vick doesn’t do too much time, maybe I’ll stash him on my bench for a year or so.

This epic funfest has put friendships in question, marriages on the rocks (no way?), work relationships in jeopardy, heck, jobs in jeopardy and all for a little bit of fun. Fantasy Football is so popular that FXX Network, a subsidiary of FOX, has a show called, The League. A group of friends that are in a fantasy league together and all the shenanigans that happen during their lives. Its a beauty and a must a watch.

It's ALL about the Shiva Bowl

It’s ALL about the Shiva Bowl

Sunday mornings haven’t been the same since Twitter joined fantasy sports either. There are loads of analysts that get PAID to give you advice on how to win your leagues every year, week in and week out. When you end up being the smartest guy in your league, odds are, there are a group of people online that are waaaay smarter than you. It would have been amazing to see how it was done even 10 years ago. “Dear Fantasy football guy, I have a big matchup this weekend, who do I start at QB: Rivers or Eli Manning? Thanks a lot, Ryan” “Dear Ryan, I just got your letter, I would start Rivers this week because Eli is on a bye week. Thanks for following us, Fantasy football guy. You can guess that would have been a blast getting snail mail a week or two later if you were lucky.

With Twitter now, you can have get real time answers the way call in shows have done, but way quicker and with more possibilities. See someone ask the same kind of question, just check your timeline and you can save yourself a question. Unless you are a real idiot and you ask the same question 100 times only to get nothing back. Or even better, ask a question that is brutally obvious and get ignored. “Who should I start at RB: Marshawn Lynch orrrrrr Trent Richardson? The only people that would find that funny though are the people in this special world.

If you hate this man, you love fantasy football.

Ya, I might be a mouth breather but I have 2 Super Bowls

Ya, I might be a mouth breather but I have 2 Super Bowls

Drafting is a big part of how your season will go and could even define your entire season early. If you haven’t done your homework or didn’t have a smart strategy, you could be 1-11 like a guy in my league is. The real thrill is finding a diamond in the rough after a week of games and he ends up being one of the NFL elite. You have to be a bit lucky or know what you think everyone else doesn’t know already.

Its sure amusing to think of what the hobby really is: a harsh, dark world of evil sorcery and old stabled hunks of meat used for the rich mans betting amusal. No one thinks of their favorite team anymore, its about numbers. Favorite team won? Who cares. Did the WR on the other team get 80 yards? HUGE playoff implications for division rivals? Great! I should totally get big points out of the RB in that game. Its like greyhounds; they are popular until they stop winning and then just tossed to the curb…or the glue farm while the next young stud is welcomed to Weeden Start the Fire’s PPR team.

Its a reason to get up in the morning…usually 7am on Tuesdays when the waiver wire opens, you gotta be first you know. Its even more fun when you screw over a guy you hate in your league, and take the guy he wanted knowing full well you don’t even need him and he’ll just rot away on your bench.

Oh fantasy football, the American dream, the Canadian nightmare and yet another reason the CFL still has a point for kicking the ball through the end zone. Seriously, stop that rule, its lame. The lacrosse league is starting to snicker at you.

And finally, the butt fumble again

follow me on twitter @hankthetank10

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